Cheese and Corn

Jun
13th

Fri

Q: Where did napoleon keep his armies?

A: Up his sleevies!

— Audrey’s Auditory Alarums

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, ‘Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?’
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, ‘You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Kikiloulou is using that seat?’ (ndlr – really like the dog’s name :p)
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, ‘Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.’
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, ‘You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!’
The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, ‘You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.’

— Audrey’s Awesome Anecdotes

CUT & PASTE:

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
Said he: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms
of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational
speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He
was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in
the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went back with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half
of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “… and I can’t
remember who she was!”

Moral of the story: Don’t copy if you can’t paste!

— Yanet’s Juicy Jests

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Tommy Funachelli?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’

‘Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Volpe?’
‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Maria Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Tommy Funachelli, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

‘What’d you get?’

‘4 months vacation and five good leads…….’

— Yanet’s Yelp of Yowsers

Old Timer Sex
This is too funny to be dirty

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made
love to you.

Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well

OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time’s sake

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on
them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt
and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the
old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex
that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while
both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they
both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.

— Yanet’s Jest Jamboree

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right
tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy
on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from
the heavens a voice boomed, ”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice
boomed, ”THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ”THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ”Is that you, Lord?”

The voice answered, ”NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”

— Yanet’s Jumble of Jolliness

Two fish are swimming in a tank – the one looks at the other and says, “can you drive this thing?

— Nick’s Nebula of Nattering

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

— Claire’s Caravan of Cavorting

Apple computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women’s breast implants.

The ibreast will cost between £499 and £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, now everyone is happy!

— Attila’s Atrium of Atrocities

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there’s a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”.

— Bruce’s Bizarre Box of Bellylaughs